I Would Prefer Not to Change My Password: A Security Journal

Professor Bartleby Hoffman

UW-Milwaukee

Tuesday, Oct 15, 2019

Today, I forgot my office keys and left my Duo fob at home on my dresser next to my hand sanitizer. I realized right before my class that I couldn’t get in to the network. It was a nightmare.

Duo is so damned difficult! It is so difficult to navigate that even Siri won’t talk to it!

It is being so difficult that I hear they’re sending it to a relationship counselor!

I hate Duo, the little fob that I finger in my pocket, pressing the unsatisfying squishy button to randomly generate numbers. They’ve made me ashamed of my old password: guest1234567. Pa55w0rD_5ham1ng really upsets me.

I am learning now that the generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance. I wrote my new password down on the IT Security Certificate I earned through an online training course. I printed it as proof that I excelled at the exercise, and taped it to my office door. It’s cool, because I can declare it as advanced training on my annual merit form. Nothing is wasted, everything recycled. Number thirteen? Not on my watch!

Monday, November 4, 2019

There was a problem with some of the computers in Student Housing getting drunk over the weekend. They were all taking screenshots.

Campus police investigated, but couldn’t de-acquisition them because they were all over twenty-one years old.

There was a big party in the modem pool. Security was slack, and someone hacked the splash page. Color palette norms were violated, branding ran amok, recruitment was seriously compromised, and the future looks grim.

Trash piles up in the hallways. Everyone has taken early retirement or been rehired on an hourly basis. The State Legislature continues to fund us at thirty cents on the dollar compared to Madison. To make things worse, some of our colleagues in STEM lost a massive NSF grant they had received for designing a more efficient keyboard. They weren’t putting in enough shifts. The state jumped on this as yet another good argument against tenure.

Friday, December 13, 2019

Proof today that our modest AAUP chapter cares as much about UWM staff as we do faculty. We were called in to help a UWM Staff Security Specialist who was reprimanded by the administration for always showing up late for work. This didn’t seem fair. He had a hard-drive. They dropped the case, but parking remains a problem.

I realized today that autocorrect has become my worst enema. I heard in a Chairs and Director’s meeting that our Public Relations & Communications Resource Manager got severely constipated while writing an important PR blast about Pounce, the Panther. His laptop was broken so he had to work it all out with his pencil. It wasn’t pretty. 

Tuesday, February 25, 2020

It has been awhile since I’ve had time to write. A lot has happened at the institution lately. They’ve taken away titles, but then assured us that we can still use them for business cards and email signatures. There is a new “Zero Tolerance” policy that links our paltry raises with the filling out of multiple forms and taking of online security tests which never seem to change. I’m not sure which forms I need to complete, and found all of my security reminders and notifications in my email junk drawer.

Some of us suspect that the security emails are generated by bots since they don’t comply with their own standards. The test is cool, however, and I’ve got a new certificate to prove it; the third one on my office door. We are told that we need to do better, be better, work harder, retire earlier, to make this a “best place to work.”

I’m feeling anxious lately. I took my new password in to our folks in IT to be sure I was changing it correctly. I don’t want to make mistakes. The IT staff member, always helpful, asked me my password. “Chapman_Hall,” I said, and I proudly explained that the C and the H were capitalized, with an underscore between the two words. He looked at me, concerned. He paused, then hesitantly observed, “Ugh…that’s not a very strong password!” I was crestfallen, and he noticed it. I think he wanted to make me feel better so he added, “I’m curious… Why did you choose the words Chapman Hall?” “Oh, it’s obvious!” I replied, eager to explain my foolproof logic. “I read on our IT website that really good passwords were full of irrelevant and disconnected characters that make little sense to anyone else!”

Monday, March 2, 2020

AAUP asked me to write 500 words on our Chancellor. I got a few done, but then campus police came and pulled me off. Please let my friends know that I will be needing their help. You can access my email with my new password: “Eye_W00d_Pr3f3r_N0t_2.”

I was assured that it is moderately acceptable, which is all I can muster these days.